Aeronautics and Alcoholics

Recently, I had flown down to Miami to take care of some business. While I was preparing for the flight I forgot to pack my testicles in my luggage. I used to fly a lot when I was a freshman in college and was pretty much used to the usual little bumps in the flight, but that was more than three years ago. The instant there was the slightest bit of turbulence my rationality and my ability to hold shit inside my blatter went away. I was so desperate to get off the plane until the flight attendant came around with the drink cart. Once again, alcohol saved my sanity by relaxing me and offsetting the turbulence by making my head bobble. I'd like to think the high altitude and low pressure was the reason I got so drunk off of 4 mini bottles of rum, but the truth is I probably was too busy sweating 3 gallons of water to notice how dehydrated I was. And in an anticlimatic ending, the flight ended smoothly and I left the terminal with a belly full of liquid courage, a restored confidence for flying, and a new mantra.
Now to test the theory, the flight back. Before departing, I ended up buying a bottle of vodka and splitting it with my more than willing parents. The flight back was the greatest rollercoaster ride of my life. I neither felt a bit of turbluance the whole flight nor was I uncomfortable. Now I know why pilots get sauced at airport bars before flights.

Drunk Journal #1

Tonight I unveil the drunk journal. It is the ultimate test of my comprehension of the English language, formal logic, and most importantly, my tolerance. Besides that, I will probably spill the beans about personal facts that I probably would not reveal under any other circumstance. Let's hope that from now on I do not over-endulge in the spirits or check into AA. I can honestly say I finished, with the help from my friend, a bottle of Crown Royal and Stoli Vodka. Let's just say I am feeling very spritely. I am currently watching the second to last Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien and by is it funny. I hope one day I can be on television and not give a shit about what anybody thinks. Boy would I rock the Earth more than the earthquake in Haiti. Aww too soon? Fuck you. So as per usual my drunk night, I ask, "What is the meaning of life?" Tonight's meaning is strictly indulgence. Right now I will continue to indulge in every thing I dip my paws in. For instance, I am contemplating seeking my parents 125 year old bottle of scotch and pouring myself a glass for no apparent reason. Will I do it? Maybe, I mean the worst that can happen is one of my credit cards gets cancelled. But realistically, I'll knock my dad out again if he does. I want to take a moment to emphasize the fact that I have knock out my dad before. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Well by now I'm sure I have strayed from the topic and English grammatical laws, but the real message tonight is, in order to gain any respect in the world, you have to take on your father for man of the house. Until then, you're a free loader who has questionable self-worth. Good Night.

Excessively Pleasant

A Formal Thank You from Long Island to "The Jersey Shore"

I feel the urge to thank the MTV show, "Jersey Shore," for liberating Long Island from the reputation of a guido "hot bed". For years now, Long Island has been plagued with notorious stain of housing these bar and club terrorist. Even though Long Island may still breed guido's and guidette's, our image of ritzy WASPs is no longer shadowed by the mountains of hair gel or tanning salons. Soon their people will stop traveling to bars in Queens or even the South Shore. Oh no, their new Mecca is the Jersey Shore. Honestly, the whole country should rejoice that their cities will not be labelled as a Guido stronghold because New Jersey has assumed that as their state culture. I cannot describe how happy this show makes me. Not only does this show centralize guido's to a specific area, but it makes New Jersey even trashier. I swear every episode makes me look better by comparison because I am not only preppy, but mild mannered. The "Jersey Shore" almost makes "white collar" crimes acceptable. Much like what MTV "Cribs" did to black people, "Jersey Shore" has exposed and confirmed the stereotypes of certain Italians, Jews, and even the gay Irish. I only hope the minorities of this country will see how different white people really are.

How Big of a Douche is Lane Kiffin?

Wow how retarded and out of wack is college football right now? Pete Carroll goes back to the NFL and the entire system falls apart! Well the big news right now is Lane Kiffin has essentially lied to kids to get them to go to Tennessee to play football for him and then abandoned them out in the cold. I'm trying to find a way to describe this to non football fans and the only thing I can come up with is telling a 5 year old kid that Santa is dead on Christmas Eve and that Christmas is cancelled for life, unless you move to another country and have to sit out Christmas for 1 year. I mean everyone and anyone is complaining about how Lane Kiffin screwed over the Tennessee football community and blah blah blah but what about the real victims here! The Players! I mean it's ridiculous how coaches can just jump from job to job as they please with no penalties while players if they choose to leave a school have to sit out a year before they can play again. This is the same system that pays coaches millions of dollars and doesn't allow the players to even hold a part time job. The biggest losers out of all of this are the kids who were so dedicated to Tennessee that they graduated high school early to enroll in classes in the spring and attend spring practices so they could get a jumpstart to their college football careers. Now that they're officially enrolled in classes they can't even de-commit and transfer without being penalized and having to sit out a year! I mean these kids gave up spring semester of their senior year in high school for this shit! Do I need to tell you what a kid that's good enough to play football at Tennessee could do in his last semester of high school. These kids would be doing their best Derek Jeter impressions and blazing a path of glory 1,2,3,4 or 5 vaginas at a time! So shame on you Lane Kiffin and the NCAA sports system altogether, you have ruined the lives of young men and you should all be forced to apologize to not only their dicks, but to all the young girls in their former high schools who never got the chance to get smashed out by a D1 football star!

"Eatin Ain't Cheatin"

Dingo Is My Name-O

The NHL is dead

Hi folks, just got back from the doctor, thought i was in trouble but turns out to be nothing a few days of pills can't clear up. Wanted to comment on why I think the NHL has less of a viewing audience than a double team at a frat house. First off I think this is a shame, we all know cash is king and the MLB can afford to bore us hours a night every single god damn night. The NHL pays their players and GM's with peanuts and happy ending massages and simply can not be on ESPN 23 hours a day. Hockey use to be a sport where players with glorious flowing mullets and other flashy long hair styles would glide around beat the shit out of each other while scoring a few goals and then after the game they would all go get wrecked and take down incredible war pigs. What is it now?? A bunch of clean cut pre-madonas who can not even pack long cut without getting the spins.
I can guarantee if you had a buzz cut in the 80's and tried to play in the NHL you would not be crushing any box outside of the sin bin.
Until the NHL brings back long flowing locks on the reg, players who fuck girls on the reg, and goalies who are not scared to go mask-less..this league will struggle more than trying to hide a boner in sweatpants.

Strap up before you get clapped up

- Dunston Pulls Out

Hope for the Best, Expect for the Worst

Now if you thought my experiences at the PBR was enough to satisfy a weekend, boy you are in for a real treat. On Saturday, I went to a charity event for one of my high school friends who has been recently diagnoised with cancer. The event is not funny and I wish her the best of luck in her recovery, but for some reason I always find myself getting into awkward situations where there is always comedic value. First off, I showed up late and underfunded, meaning I did not have enough money to pay the admission fee. The admission fee was some what outragious, and I was under the impression that you go to donate as much as you could, not pay a fixed price. Also I didn't feel I should have to pay for an open bar which I was not drinking or present for the whole time. I know that might sound bad, but I wrote a check instead so I knew the family would get the money and not the bar feeding my alcohol addiction. I guess thats strike one.
Upon arrival, I wanted to give the appearance that I was there having fun and optomistic for the cause, but who really has fun at an event where cancer is involved? So naturally I made my way over to the raffle table. I spent as much money as I could on tickets, $30 dollars. The problem was I had two $20 bills. Now in any other situation where a transaction is made, both parties expect a precise amount of money to be exchanged for goods and services. This is not the case at charity events. Literally, there is no such thing as "change" at a charity event. The woman who took my $40, literally starred at me as I looked at her for the extra $10. Now I am not one to back down from any confrontation, so I politely asked her for the change. I shit you not, this woman looked at me like cancer was my best friend. The moment only lasted a second, but it felt like an eternity as she glazed into my incompassionate soul. The joke was on her, I sold my soul years ago so all she got was a man who wanted his money back. She then shuffled through her wad of money and informed me that she didn't have any change. Apparently she was suckering college kids from the beginning by only taking large bills with no change. So strike two. To recap, I have not paid the admission and have asked for money back at a charity event.
Time for strike three and let me tell you, I went out swinging. I was kind of frustrated at the whole raffle table incident, but I began thinking the glass was more half full when I started making drinks half empty. Note: I had got my friends to sneak me drinks who had the flourescent wrist bands symbolizing their investment... Sometimes the empire has to strike back. As my sobriety began to ebb, I began to dream about the splendor of winning some of the prizes available. I basically put all my tickets into the snowboard raffle. Now I don't snowboard, but the idea of lugging around a huge piece of sporting equipment at a charity event seemed too priceless to pass up. I mean think of all the attention I could have created with it. So as the charity co-ordinators announced the winners, I eagerly awaited the announcement of my name. I had already planned my entrance to the stage and what I would do when I got up there, raise the snowboard in triumph. Time went by, and I began to see the glass was really half empty. I thought, "Did they miss my name?" So I asked around if anybody had heard the most beautiful sylables in the English language, my name. They informed me all prizes had been given out. Now before I tell you what happened next, I would like the chance to explain the situation. During the whole raffle, it seemed the only names announced were people who were apart of the charity's planning coalition. My whole group made the same obvservation and felt cheated. With that being said, I quickly turned to one of my friends and said what I thought to be a murmur, "What a crooked charity event". As you can imagine, that was not the case and I instantly drew the death stare from everyone who heard. I tried playing it off as a joke, but lets be serious, that's as funny as saying the Holocaust didn't happen. In the end, I did not feel any better leaving as I did entering, despite the fact a lot of good was to come out of the event. More importantly, my presence was extremely overvalued by my friends in an setting where I cannot thrive. I guess what I am trying to say is this, I am a tiger, and you can't have a tiger as a pet. Tigers belong in cages and when you let them out, they will eat your face, just ask Seigfreid and Roy. So is there a lesson learned? Of course! Sometimes its better to phone it in, or mail it in. Till next weekend.

Excessively Pleasant

Goodbye to One of the Great Cocksman of our Time

Ladies and Gents it is a sad day in cocksman history as arguably the greatest of them all is rumored to being hitched next November to none other than certified dick wrecker Minka Kelly. I'm talking of course about none other than Derek Sanderson Jeter. The vaginas this man has conquered is a list greater than any I've ever heard. He is no doubt one of the all-time greats and no brainer top 3 boss cock of all-time. My Top 3 pussy paralyzers are in no particular order; Derek Jeter, Wilt Chamberlin and JFK. I mean bros like these only come around once every couple of decades. Other lesser men like Tiger Woods are idiots and get married when they're at the top of their game and then have no choice, but to run wild and cheat with the bulk of the female free world. But take a look at the hoes Tiger cheated with, not one of them is a household name and that's because the man was married and can't be banging Micha Barton at some club and get away with it, no no Tiger had to get filthy with some Craigslist broads. Jeter did it all right I mean he's been the King of New York City since the series in '96. He's dipped his balls in every hot piece of ass for a decade and a half! I mean name one other person to conquer BOTH Jessica's! (Biel and Alba). And now much like his professional career DJ sees his snatch conquering days winding down and what better solution than to marry some young hot starlet who can no doubt play the trouser snake flute like jethro motherfuckin tull. Some guys just never disappoint and while it pains me to see one of the greats go out, it's better to go out on top of your game and Derek Sanderson Jeter will always be remembered as one of the best of all time.

Dingo-Is-My-Name-O

Big Mac>Pocket Rocket & Bearoid Bonds

In the words of the great Jim Carrey in one of the greastest movies of all time (Liar, Liar) "And the truth, shall set you free!" Finally after seeing McGwire blow up and look as big as Ronnie from Jersey Shore and hit moonballs out of the earth's atmosphere he has finally admitted his use of performance enhancing drugs (i.e. Steroids and HGH). Now that said here comes the big question, "does this change your view of Mark McGwire?" And my answer is simply not really. I mean the guy absolute blasted the ball into Big Mac land for one reason and that was for the kids. Every time McGwire put the syringes to the ball and smoked it into Big Mac Land the kids all got free happy meals or some shit. So, being the humanitarian that I am I have no issues with McGwire juicing his balls off to feed some kids and all you soul less bastards in the media can eat my shorts if you disagree. You think Mac wanted his balls to shrivel up in his man pouch? You think he wanted this bonafide ball breaker that's on his lap to be turned off by his marble sized man bag? So, when you're throwin rocks at McGwire don't forget he is the real victim here. That said I'm interested to see how cowards like Pocket Rocket Clemens and Bearoid Bonds feel now that a true American hero like Big Mac has come forward. Like those selfish bastards did it for a paycheck while McGwire was just tryin to feed the youth of the greater St. Louis area....

Dingo-Is-My-Nameo

Ride the Tiger

Some would say I lived a lifetime in a weekend. Others might say the word innocent and me are now incompatible. I reject both claims individually, but accept both claims together. To start the weekend off, I went to the Professional Bull Riding tour at Madison Square Garden. This was both the greatest and worst idea the PBR has ever thought up. It is the greatest because about 15,000 people got to see something new and interesting. It was a complete change of pace from the normal weekend and allowed many people to experience a foreign culture only native to the South and mid-West. Now for the juicy part. About 75% of the people in attendance literally treated this as the biggest joke ever. Even I was apart of the 75%. Everybody who I sat around did not seem to care about the event at all, it was just another excuse to dress differently and get drunker than normal. Basically, it was Halloween in January. For the most part though, I found the event to be boring and still to this day I don't know why I needed to see a people with half the brain capacity as me try and kill themselves. Even more so why I had to spend eighty dollars on beer to enjoy it. What would make bull riding more interesting is people who have graduated from elite colleges, both graduate and undergraduate, risking it all just to ride 2,000 lbs. of pure nature. I mean a simple kick to the head and these people just lost $300,000 worth of education. Instead, were left with toothless wonders who we expect to be dumb enough to actually get on one of these beasts. It's almost as if the crowd was trying to assist these guys in their apparent suicide. Anytime when you're in a profession when the fans are rooting for the worst outcome to happen, I think it might be time for a career change.

Forever
Excessively Pleasant

Life is a Bitch Mother

I cannot put into words how physically and emotionally angry I am at the last 24 hours of my life. Last night around 6pm I received a phone call informing me that my computer was broken and would cost about 400 dollars to replace (more than new laptops are going for these days), then the improbable happened, Colt Fuckin McCoy the kid who was destined to be the QB at Texas got injured and knocked out of the game a mere 5 offensive plays in... Oh excuse me by injury i meant to say he got a boo boo. The kid said on national TV he felt no pain... umm ok dude so why the fuck didn't you play? Like it's the national championship game... you're THE Colt McCoy... like I thought you laughed in the face of danger and pissed on the cowards beneath you as they cowered in fear of you. But no he stood on the sidelines like a pussy with a headset on... cool dude... So, that brings me to today... nursing a Vince Wilfork sized hangover on the couch watching re-run after re-run of bitch boy Colt McCoy get bumped too hard I pick up my iPod Touch to put in my pocket and like a freak of nature leapt out of my hand in an apparent suicide attempt and landed perfectly into a half EMPTY glass of water and broke... That was as the phrase goes, "the straw that broke the camel's dick." Like ok my laptop broke, shit happens. Alright Colt McCoy left the game and Texas lost, what a pussy but whatever. Then my iPod is so scared about it's future life with me that it just ends its life now in fear of the future sufferings it'll endure alive... After all this I finally realized why this shit kept happening to me and it's simply karma. I am now being punished for the countless hearts and vaginas I've punished over the years and continue to punish. I mean no human should be able to do what I do and just get away with it, that is except for me at least. But now I just feel foolish because karma is a filthy whore who gets around to everyone even me... So call me Earl from My Name is Earl but don't expect me to walk around with a list undoing my dirty deeds cuz for 1 it would be way too long to fix in 1 lifetime and 2 I'd rather just continue breaking hearts and bustin holes instead and just avoid karma like the girl I banged last night. Live and Learn Kids.

Dingo is my Name-O

Jersey Shore: better than sex?

Just wanted to poke my dick in and say hi, i know everyone has been checking the blog all day waiting for me to post.. Today has been rather boring all I have done is crush steel, bang 3 girls and save an old lady and her cat from a burning building. I wanted to pay some respect to the #1 show on television...

You dont have to be hung like a horse to know there are 4 gurantees in life...death, taxes, playoff beards, and Jersey Shore is the best television show since Saved by the Bell.. and no im not talking college years im talking before puberty. This show could single handly save MTV. MTV has evolved from shows where people get drunk and do entertaining stuff (real world Hawaii) to movies and south park. The last two seasons of The Real World have been so bad I sometimes feel like im listening to a book on tape about politics and gay rights. Just when I thought we were all dead, here comes the Situation saving the mother fuckin day!! For those of you who dont know why he was a 56 pack of ripped abs, its because every time he gets down with a little hood rat, God is so happy that he grants him one extra ab. I usually find myself counting down the hours until this show is on again..am i disappointed when its over? no shot in hell because I know that this kind of entertainment can only happen once a week..anymore and we would all explode with happiness.

Happy Nanakusa (Seven Herbs Festival) to everyone in Japan!

- Dunstin Pulls Out

Coming Soon: Call of Duty, The Washington Wizards Locker Room!

So recently I've been bored outta my mind around the house watching SportsCenter a solid 4 times a day and I can't help but think how ridiculous the NBA has gotten. For those of you who have been living in a cave with Osama for the past 2 weeks or so, Gilbert Arenas of the Wizards and Jarvaris Critteron were playin a poker game which Arenas lost and then refused to pay up and instead placed like 4 gats (guns) on the table and was like what gambling debt homie? Crinterron responds by pulling out his own gun, loading a clip, and putting a bullet in the chamber... oh and this was in the fucking Wizards locker room... This is one of America's top 4 sports! Athletes that are role models, but appear to be nothing more than gangster thugs bringing guns into their own fuckin locker rooms. Talk about trusting your teammates right? Well for me I've never been a big "basketball" (if you can even justify the NBA being basketball as they ignore every major rule in the book) guy anyway, but it just seems like a mix between Grand Theft Auto, WWE, and the AND1 mix tape tour without the Professor. AKA lame. So my pitch to the people at Infinity Ward (the makers of arguably one of the hottest video games right now; Call of Duty Mondern Warefare 2), you should make a Call of Duty: The Washington Wizards Locker Room. I mean you've got everything you need, controversy to spark media hype (aka free publicity), star power with Gilbert Arenas (aka Agent Zero aka Hibatchi) you know Arenas is suspended with no income for at least the season and will be looking for a paycheck, shit he will probably agree for voice overs and to be on the cover. And then comes the big twist, PLAXICO busts outta the joint and vows to take over the NBA and LeBron and Kobe team up with Gilbert to stop him. I mean it's Marketing 101 here people, get on the money train while you still can.

Dingo is my Name-o

The Future Freaks Me Out

Unfortunately, not every post can be a postiive one. One thing today that really bothered me was the future. Not so much as my future career or wife, but more importantly how I will be in the future. So much in today's world focuses on the negative, and that affects the way we act and behave. We are constantly emersed by our fears and threats of others. Whether it be the economy, terrorism, or just general paranoia, I can understand why so many people have been under so much stress. My main concern is how am I going to be able to deal with this stress when I finally go out into the real world. As a current student, I constantly find myself in a care-free state. Even when the school and social life blunders stack up, I always seem to land on my feet with the mantra. "its just college". And more importantly we always have the week or weekend to get drunk as a release. But what happens when we leave and actually get jobs that require our attention for 8 or more hours a day for five days a week? I can see why people would turn to the bottle. This is because we no longer have the same releases we did in college such as sports and roommates. I'm concerned that when I leave schoool, I won't be able to deal with the stress as I can now. Simply going to the gym or talking to one of your friends probably won't cut it anymore. Will I turn to drinking every night or some other habit that gives me momentary pleasure? I hope not, but I can certainly see why so many new graduates and even parents lapse into habits not previously experienced. And the logic for these lapses is simple, I was able to do it in college, and it worked then, so it will work now. The truth is when we do graduate, we only have ourselves to count on. I know thats very pessimistic, but we will all eventually move away from our friends and family who have helped guide us through the college experience. Very soon nobody will be able to tell us what to do because we won't live at home, our parents won't be paying for school, and we will be able to provide for ourselves. I guess what I am trying to make sense of is will our quietest whispers be echoed in our enternity? I hope not and I hope when the time comes I'll bend and not break.

Excessively Pleasant
even a shallow pool is deep enough to drown in

Condoms: Friend or Foe?

First off let me just start off with the obvious two reasons why condoms are good. 1) They make sure some filthy hoe doesn't make your D burn and fall off and 2) They help you not impregnate bitches to a point. That said here are the 276482618 reasons why condoms suck. Ladies for you to fully understand how awful these little dick stranglers are I want you to do an exercise for me. I want you to find some warm mashed potatoes or apple pie or whatever your cup of tea is and stick 2 fingers in the center of it... now i want you to put a condom on those 2 fingers and try again... sucks right? Now get drunk and do it... So when you're getting your holes punished because a guy is loaded and you're making him wear a rub a dub dub no fun in the tub and you're bitching because he can't finish and your vag is all dried up and in excrutiating pain, I want you to get up find the closest mirror and look into it and say the following, "this is all my fault." You see your childish ways have finally caught up to you. All you had to do was simply go to your doctor or your gyno or your therapist or your dentist or one of the 75 doctors you bitches seem to have and say hey I want my vag pounded without guys having to have their cocks loosely strangled to the point where they lose their erection so my vagina doesn't hurt anymore please :-) and wa-fucking-lah you've got the thing that makes the world go round, the pill. So ladies stop being immature and selfish and do us all a favor and go get on the pill. If Obama wants to restore the American Dream which he has killed he would make it mandatory that at 16 when a slut gets her license she is also handed a perscription for birth control which she must fill and take everyday or else she is sent to a special non birth control prison for dykes. If he did that people would forget about the economy and the war and healthcare all together and they'd be in the streets screaming GOD BLESS AMERICA!

"You're welcome America"

-Dingo is my Name-O

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A man who is going to actually stamp this on the back of his car is a great man in my mind. I had to share it with everyone else and yes, I saw it on barstool.
-Tits McGee

Shrimp Dick

First off I want to wish all our viewers a very happy The Epiphany, Three Kings' Day, Twelfth Night, La Befana..whatever the hell those might be they are some of the best holidays celebrated on this beautiful Wednesday. Todays blog will solve the biggest unsolved mystery since the last time i forgot to pull out.
What is more Bro.. Going Limp or Two Pump Chumping?
If your going to read this and say you have never experienced any of these fine performances your lieing to yourself and more importantly your lieing to me so in my eyes you can burn in a concentraion camp. Before I make a decision on this I want to remind you that nether one of these are really that bro..hilarious? absolutely, but you should wait to laugh until after she walks out of the frat house head down texting her friends about how pathetic you are.. do you care? no fuckin way because your still the man and that cum guzzling freshman who hates her dad more than I hate it when i wake up to man piece burning will be back for me when she realizes her thong is wrapped around your neck the next day at practice.
I believe that Going limp will have to get the nod in this epic showdown... not lasting shows that your little head or even worse your big head likes what is happening..going limp can mean a number of things, all of which lead right back to your the fuckin man and this girl needs to try harder next time she is looking for a fine cut of deli meat.

and remember kids...dont tell mom the babysitters dead!

-Dunston Pulls Out

P.S. I Love Me

I have recently found a new love for myself through the Internet. This new loves emergence is due to the anonymity the web provides. I'm not a coward, but lets just say i prefer to be the man sitting in the chair petting the cat. I'm a king not a pawn and don't you ever forget that. That rhymed, unintentional. But because i have realized this anonymity, i have not only have become an asshole online, but in real life. Honestly right now I wish i could send my dad back in time 70 years so he could of paid for Al Gore's back alley abortion (Just in case you didn't know, Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet). Now people might say, "Hey Excessively Pleasant, Shouldn't your dad just go back 22 years and just pull out instead?" I say no because because like my grandpa in Korea, we never pull out. But instead of lamenting on my new found assholeness, maybe I could learn something from it. That probably wont happen until my ass gets kicked or my dad takes away my credit cards. Trust in your Trust Fund.

Excessively Pleasant

Screaming Seagull

The screaming seagull could be the best move since the bombing of Hiroshima. Although it does not massacure more people than Tiger Woods has stuck his driver in on the last PGA tour it is one of the worlds greatest sexual moves. Bros are put on this planet for one reason, and that reason is to smush as many boxes as humanly possible. What better way to spend your day on the beach than by sticking your soak and wet crow bar in the sand and then crushing a poor girls box harder than Obama crushed the American dream. This move may be hard to pull off but trust me, every girl wakes up hoping to get a wet sandy D in there sweet spot.

Flow Hard, Bang Fast,
- Dunston Pulls Out

When Hooking Up With Friends Fails

We've all been there before. Whether it started with an "I'm bored... what're you doing?" Text message at 3am or it started at a drunken house party, we've all hooked up with friends. And yes while there are some success stories (a very very small percentage), most end in failure. And I've finally after years and years of hanging my hat on being the guy that hooks up with all his friends has figured it out. Are you ready? It's actually really simple once you stop playing with your balls and think about it. Girls can not seperate emotional thoughts from rational ones. Actually forget that it's simplier than that. Girls are not capable of rational thoughts. I know, I know, ladies pipe down and let me fuck you up with some knowledge. Like I said I've made my living off of most of my friends and my sexual appetite thanks you however, out of all of those experiences I left at least 98% of them with some sort of baggage or as us guys call it, a fuckin headache. It all starts the same innocent and just downright adorable way. Good friends with a few cervezas in them just kickin and them bam your gettin your balls polished the old fashioned way. When it's done you either pack up your shit and high tail it outta there or you're comfortable enough that the girl shares your lack of moral conscience and that you're on the same page that this is strictly physical and you pass out. Then comes the next morning... if you're lucky it lasts until lunch, but sure as shit you get the "what're you doing today?" text. Um excuse me? Wait. You don't think... Does she think that... Oh fuck. So now you're in the trenches so strap that fuckin helmet on and man your battle stations. You have 2 options, 1) ignore it and avoid it or 2) play dumb. I usually go with the play dumb card on this one because they are your friend afterall and you're hoping that she will realize "you're just not that into her" and you can continue this relationship as friends and then when you're drunk trip and fall on eachother naked from time to time without being weird. However, back to my point about emotions this is usually not an option from the female perspective. Next thing you know you're getting bombarded with angry texts and phone calls and the only defense you have is to continue acting like a functioning retard and flip things around like she is retarded and crazy. Soon there after you may lose the friendship and the question remains the same: Was it Worth it? And the answer is always the same; AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY

-Submitted by: "Dingo is my Name-O"

Houston... We Have A Problem

Lately, I have been getting inhumanly drunk. I find myself going out at night in a alcohol fueled rocket ship and seem to land on the moon every time. But this space mission of course has a price... I never seem to get laid every time i land on the moon. Instead, I literally moon walk my lonesome self back home. All my time juicing my pecs at the gym goes unnoticed and unused. I find myself wondering every morning why bother, i should just join a monastery. But then i remember there is no god and my body is more like an abandoned warehouse, not a temple. The crossroads i have come to in my life is either stay reasonably buzzed or go home empty handed. The truth is ill never be able to control myself and this cockpit only has room for one at the end of the night. I guess there's no room for women in outer space.