R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A man who is going to actually stamp this on the back of his car is a great man in my mind. I had to share it with everyone else and yes, I saw it on barstool.
-Tits McGee

Shrimp Dick

First off I want to wish all our viewers a very happy The Epiphany, Three Kings' Day, Twelfth Night, La Befana..whatever the hell those might be they are some of the best holidays celebrated on this beautiful Wednesday. Todays blog will solve the biggest unsolved mystery since the last time i forgot to pull out.
What is more Bro.. Going Limp or Two Pump Chumping?
If your going to read this and say you have never experienced any of these fine performances your lieing to yourself and more importantly your lieing to me so in my eyes you can burn in a concentraion camp. Before I make a decision on this I want to remind you that nether one of these are really that bro..hilarious? absolutely, but you should wait to laugh until after she walks out of the frat house head down texting her friends about how pathetic you are.. do you care? no fuckin way because your still the man and that cum guzzling freshman who hates her dad more than I hate it when i wake up to man piece burning will be back for me when she realizes her thong is wrapped around your neck the next day at practice.
I believe that Going limp will have to get the nod in this epic showdown... not lasting shows that your little head or even worse your big head likes what is happening..going limp can mean a number of things, all of which lead right back to your the fuckin man and this girl needs to try harder next time she is looking for a fine cut of deli meat.

and remember kids...dont tell mom the babysitters dead!

-Dunston Pulls Out

P.S. I Love Me

I have recently found a new love for myself through the Internet. This new loves emergence is due to the anonymity the web provides. I'm not a coward, but lets just say i prefer to be the man sitting in the chair petting the cat. I'm a king not a pawn and don't you ever forget that. That rhymed, unintentional. But because i have realized this anonymity, i have not only have become an asshole online, but in real life. Honestly right now I wish i could send my dad back in time 70 years so he could of paid for Al Gore's back alley abortion (Just in case you didn't know, Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet). Now people might say, "Hey Excessively Pleasant, Shouldn't your dad just go back 22 years and just pull out instead?" I say no because because like my grandpa in Korea, we never pull out. But instead of lamenting on my new found assholeness, maybe I could learn something from it. That probably wont happen until my ass gets kicked or my dad takes away my credit cards. Trust in your Trust Fund.

Excessively Pleasant

Screaming Seagull

The screaming seagull could be the best move since the bombing of Hiroshima. Although it does not massacure more people than Tiger Woods has stuck his driver in on the last PGA tour it is one of the worlds greatest sexual moves. Bros are put on this planet for one reason, and that reason is to smush as many boxes as humanly possible. What better way to spend your day on the beach than by sticking your soak and wet crow bar in the sand and then crushing a poor girls box harder than Obama crushed the American dream. This move may be hard to pull off but trust me, every girl wakes up hoping to get a wet sandy D in there sweet spot.

Flow Hard, Bang Fast,
- Dunston Pulls Out

When Hooking Up With Friends Fails

We've all been there before. Whether it started with an "I'm bored... what're you doing?" Text message at 3am or it started at a drunken house party, we've all hooked up with friends. And yes while there are some success stories (a very very small percentage), most end in failure. And I've finally after years and years of hanging my hat on being the guy that hooks up with all his friends has figured it out. Are you ready? It's actually really simple once you stop playing with your balls and think about it. Girls can not seperate emotional thoughts from rational ones. Actually forget that it's simplier than that. Girls are not capable of rational thoughts. I know, I know, ladies pipe down and let me fuck you up with some knowledge. Like I said I've made my living off of most of my friends and my sexual appetite thanks you however, out of all of those experiences I left at least 98% of them with some sort of baggage or as us guys call it, a fuckin headache. It all starts the same innocent and just downright adorable way. Good friends with a few cervezas in them just kickin and them bam your gettin your balls polished the old fashioned way. When it's done you either pack up your shit and high tail it outta there or you're comfortable enough that the girl shares your lack of moral conscience and that you're on the same page that this is strictly physical and you pass out. Then comes the next morning... if you're lucky it lasts until lunch, but sure as shit you get the "what're you doing today?" text. Um excuse me? Wait. You don't think... Does she think that... Oh fuck. So now you're in the trenches so strap that fuckin helmet on and man your battle stations. You have 2 options, 1) ignore it and avoid it or 2) play dumb. I usually go with the play dumb card on this one because they are your friend afterall and you're hoping that she will realize "you're just not that into her" and you can continue this relationship as friends and then when you're drunk trip and fall on eachother naked from time to time without being weird. However, back to my point about emotions this is usually not an option from the female perspective. Next thing you know you're getting bombarded with angry texts and phone calls and the only defense you have is to continue acting like a functioning retard and flip things around like she is retarded and crazy. Soon there after you may lose the friendship and the question remains the same: Was it Worth it? And the answer is always the same; AB-SO-FUCKING-LUTELY

-Submitted by: "Dingo is my Name-O"

Houston... We Have A Problem

Lately, I have been getting inhumanly drunk. I find myself going out at night in a alcohol fueled rocket ship and seem to land on the moon every time. But this space mission of course has a price... I never seem to get laid every time i land on the moon. Instead, I literally moon walk my lonesome self back home. All my time juicing my pecs at the gym goes unnoticed and unused. I find myself wondering every morning why bother, i should just join a monastery. But then i remember there is no god and my body is more like an abandoned warehouse, not a temple. The crossroads i have come to in my life is either stay reasonably buzzed or go home empty handed. The truth is ill never be able to control myself and this cockpit only has room for one at the end of the night. I guess there's no room for women in outer space.

Blending in to Stand Out

Today I saw a kid with long hair, trendy glasses, black boots, and a t-shirt you look at but never would buy from a kiosk in the mall, wearing a camoflauge jacket. Instantly I thought, what a piece of shit. I put myself in the shoes of every war veteran and thought of the way they would of reacted to the sight of this . The only rational reaction I could imagine is by kicking that man in the booty hole. Ofcourse I do not know what a war vet feels like.. Needless to say this kid was not shipping off to fight for Uncle Sam any time soon. This poser made me question the state of America's patriotism. Ofcourse I can't question my patriotism because I am the standard, but you get my point. This asshole is making a mockery of my beloved country's armed services. Camoflauge is not suppose to be hip, it serves a purpose and saves real men from real danger. I wanted to know what this kid was hiding from. Could it be friends, girls, family, or the truth? I felt the need to wrap myself in an American flag and spit in that kids face. Certainly I began to think about how these kids could be so obsessed with the prospect of death and how he'll never come close to experience it except for the time they took 5 advils instead of 2. But besides that kid ruining my meal, I realized the only attention this douchefag was getting is the type that drives a emo, goth. Nice job shit bag.