e=MC Hammered

The state of house parties has been weak this summer so far. Granted it has only been about two weeks, but I have already been asked numerous times to throw a "rager" as many bros would put it. Don't get me wrong, I do throw amazing parties, buy most these kids haven't thrown a party within their collective years in high school and college. Its like a virgin asking you why you didn't have sex with a someone. I only take advice from seasoned veterans. Also I understand that people's parents are strick, but were in fucking college now. I mean if your parents are the reason why you can't have your friends over, then don't hassel my parents either. As far as party etiquette goes, atleast know you can't ask someone to throw a party, its common party etiquette. If you're worried about the cops busting up your party, you are an idiot also. That's part of the risk of throwing a party. And in total the cops have only shown up once to my house and they didn't even do anything. Another reason why I probably will not be throwing a "rager" is everyone will show up to my house. I swear people come out of the sticks for a party. And if you are one of those people, yes we are all talking about you asking "what the fuck is he/she doing here?"

By now I realize I can't get any more popular with my friends at home, and the chances of getting laid within the group is slim to none, so what incentive is there for me to even throw a party? There is none, its not like anybody is going out of their way to buy me beer for the night. All and all people have got to man up for once in their lives. I mean if my dick grew a centimeter for every party I threw, I probably have to tape my cock to my leg just to walk around. What I expect from everybody else is to pick up the slack, I'm tired of my close friends and I being the only people who "throw down." Go Big or Go Homo.

Double Standards: One "Two" Many

So much tension is placed on American sexuality. We live in a society where sex sells, but is considered exploitation. Well the main cause of this is our heritage. There is an expression stating, "Austrilia got the convicts, Canada got the French, and we got the Puritans." This quote signifies how the United Kingdom got rid of its minority or troublesome groups. Though the Canadian part hardly makes any sense, but it rings true for America. We are founded on prude forefathers. They were religious fanatics who even went as far as burning women at the stake. In the movie The Crucible, most of the acts the girls petitioned to the courts had strong sexual undertones. How they went out into the woods and stripped naked claiming to be possessed, or how they said spirits would observe the girls while they were naked in their homes. Little did they realize their strict ways would still have an influence on the country they founded hundreds of years ago. The Puritan's ways have shaped so many double standards that we live with today. How a man can sleep with as many women and be a hero, and a woman a slut. That one isn't bad at all though. From that double standard though a woman can accuse a man of rape and everyone will believe her. As we all know women are liars, hence the Duke rape case. But this accusation goes much further than that. A woman can marry and divorce you. Kanye said it best, "When she leaves your ass, shes gonna leave with half." And people wonder why so many men kill their wives. Lastly I'd like to make a point to mention the whole Terri Schiavo case. How everybody made a fuss about removing her feeding tube because her husband ran out of money to keep life support running. People said she was conscious and was communicating by blinking. After the autopsy, doctors dicovered she was unconsious and completely in the vegitative state. Though doing that is unethical, how many gold-diggers are there that wait for their rich husbands to die just to take their money? Double standards my friends. Daniel Day Lewis said it best,"Because it's my name!"

Condoms are for Sailors

Is it moral to make fun of a man's job when your unemployed? No, and you shouldn't knock a man's beat if your not having sex. That's like saying to a man who works at McDonald's he smells like fries and shame meanwhile you're picking your ass at home. This rule is probably the only rule I will defend till the death. Who knows what makes a man tick sexually, or what his life goals are. I mean if you want to fuck 100 girls, I'm sure you will encounter some runts of the litter more often than not. And if you are fucking and are making fun of someone else who is sexually active, be prepared to take some heat. I don't recommend this course of action mainly because I like to think of men who are having sex to be apart of an exclusive club. Ofcourse there are exceptions to this rule such as if you have a girlfriend, you are not allowed to comment just to avoid personal attacks. Also if you have boinked this girl before you are allowed to use that against her recent bang. In conclusion, if you ain't fuckin', then you don't say shit.

Poor Kid, You Never Had a Chance

Last night Gianna Versace rolled over in his grave. One of the biggest fashion no-no's was comitted by a man who you would expect nothing less from. Apparently wearing a stripped shirt with plaid shorts is the new fad inside a this possibly retarded man's head. I honestly do not know how he could of thought he looked good. i mean only a couple of scenerios are possible where he would put those clothing on. The only practical scenerio that jumped into my mind is that he got dressed in the dark, but that made no sense because even if he was trying to save the environment by conserving energy, his car alone puts a bigger hole in the ozone layer than Lysol factory. Nevertheless, I'd like to think the bigger story of the night is how I did not tell him how bad he looked from the beginning of the night till the end. Self-restraint is not a strong suite for me. Also, throughout the night I made a point to tell everybody about his outfit just so I'd look A) better by comparison and B) make this ass-clown attone for all his sins. To sum up this post, I'd like to say if you dress like an idiot, don't count on anybody tell you how bad you look.

You know, you can't get pregnant in a hummer

I don't give a fuck about the environment. I'm so sick and tired of people preaching to me about saving the ecosystem. I'm going to give you the primary reason of why you should litter. First off, I'd like to say Seagulls would be much more of a majestic creature if they weren't eating garbage all day, but thats a whole other bag of issues. You remember that whole push to cut the plastic wire casing for cans so dolphins wouldn't get their fat noses stuck in it? Well I'd like you to use your imagination right now to picture 6 plump seagulls with their heads trapped inside the wire 6 pack. That's the type of world I want to live in.

It's a bump, not a wart

Recently, I have been thinking what is the peak of the sexual summit? Now, personally I have rounded the bases and even touched 5th plate, but have I really hit a home run? So of course the next natural line of succession would involve some sort of fecal matter. But me personally, I'm not comfortable with giving or recieving shit sandwiches (I'm more of a peanut and fluff guy). If only there was some medium, some halfway house of the sexually hierarchy...oh wait there is and that my firends is called a blumpkin. For those of you that dont know what a blumpkin is Merriam Webster defines it as: The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump. Out of all the other maneuvers that you could pull off this is probably the most feasible, and thus for all practical purposes the end in the game that we call life.

A Very Christmassy Blog

I think at one point in every man's life things seem to click.  While I was watching TV today I noticed the lack of new toys for young kids.  That got me thinking...what did I enjoy when I was around 4th to 7th grade?  There's two things I can distinctly remember loving: snakes and skateboards.  So why not put the two together?  Ladies and Gentlemen I am introducing the revolutionary Snakeboard (patented).  Actually, it's quite simple.  You find 4 wheels, bunch of nails, piece of wood and a snake.  Some assembly may be required.