Blending in to Stand Out

Today I saw a kid with long hair, trendy glasses, black boots, and a t-shirt you look at but never would buy from a kiosk in the mall, wearing a camoflauge jacket. Instantly I thought, what a piece of shit. I put myself in the shoes of every war veteran and thought of the way they would of reacted to the sight of this . The only rational reaction I could imagine is by kicking that man in the booty hole. Ofcourse I do not know what a war vet feels like.. Needless to say this kid was not shipping off to fight for Uncle Sam any time soon. This poser made me question the state of America's patriotism. Ofcourse I can't question my patriotism because I am the standard, but you get my point. This asshole is making a mockery of my beloved country's armed services. Camoflauge is not suppose to be hip, it serves a purpose and saves real men from real danger. I wanted to know what this kid was hiding from. Could it be friends, girls, family, or the truth? I felt the need to wrap myself in an American flag and spit in that kids face. Certainly I began to think about how these kids could be so obsessed with the prospect of death and how he'll never come close to experience it except for the time they took 5 advils instead of 2. But besides that kid ruining my meal, I realized the only attention this douchefag was getting is the type that drives a emo, goth. Nice job shit bag.

Jesus the Magical Genie

Recently I found myself stumbling into church drunk when I realized my reasons for going were deeply based in immorality. I was initially convinced to go because one of my friends was trying to score points with some girl who goes every morning and I needed to make some effort to save my soul from eternal damnation. Well needless to say while attending mass for the first time in over a year, I had an epiphany. When I was "praying" at church, I caught myself just asking for things such as I hope that girl isn't pregnant and I wish I win the lottery. Almost instantly I realized the the man who had died for my sins and transgressions was nothing more to me then a genie who grants unlimited wishes that never get fulfilled. Then immediatley I remembered every time in the past that I had gone to church, I was just asking God to either get me the new nerf gone when I was little or to play well in sports games coming up. And if I was not asking Jesus for my unrealistic expectations, I was thinking about which girls I could bone in church. I finally realized what a piece of shit I was. I really think now I was doing more harm showing up every Sunday then sitting at home and pretending I am religious. I guess Jesus never had a friend, never had a friend, never had a friend like me.